I have an adopted daughter. She is 15 years old and she breaks my heart almost every day. At summer camp she gets the friendship award and her counselors talk about how joyful and kind she is, her best friend's mom delights in the laughter that rings throughout her home when my daughter is there, her dance teachers rave about her leadership skills and her school teachers commiserate about how she talks and giggles with her friends too much in class. This is not the girl I know and it breaks my heart.
I've had a 15 year old daughter before, so I know the deal. I know that moms aren't the coolest at that age and I know that it isn't easy, but this is different. . . .
If looks of disdain and ungratefulness and the silent treatment could kill a person, I'd die a hundred deaths a day. . . . and the unique thing is that only those people in her life who will never abandon her are the ones who know this girl. She was abandoned as an infant and was then "abandoned" again at the age of six months when I adopted her and she lost the connection she had with her care givers at the sweet little orphanage where she lived. Her (adoptive) dad basically abandoned her several years ago. And then her oldest brother went to college and then got married and her older sister left for college. She's had some pretty significant attachments sever and my heart breaks for her, but the way her little guardian is choosing to protect her by being so unkind to the select few of us who love her is nearly more than I can take every single day.
The worst part for me is that I know all of this: I know she's been abandoned and hurt and I know that she is protecting herself on a level that she doesn't really have control of, but it still slays my soul every single day. I physically feel my heart breaking when she looks at me for the 100-zillionth time like I'm an idiot or when I do something for her and it goes (seemingly) unnoticed or when I try to ask her something about her life and I'm treated like the enemy or when her smile and laughter and joy is hidden from me. The withholding of kindness and gratitude and relationship would be evil in the way it is used against me if she were doing it intentionally, but I don't think that she truly is. Or maybe I just hope that she isn't doing it intentionally. I don't know. But it hurts, physically hurts, so deeply and the tears are ever present. . . .
According to the Mend Project (a non profit dealing with emotional abuse), withholding is the most toxic form of emotional abuse. The Mend Project asks, "Is there someone in your life who treats you as if you aren’t a valuable person, who often ignores what you say and doesn’t engage with you in what seems like a normal manner? Or maybe someone close to you has given you the silent treatment or held back any emotional reaction or connection?" YES! My daughter! "Withholding makes the victim feel as if they are isolated, ignored or do not have control over their own lives. One of the reasons it’s so damaging is because the victim cannot do anything to stop it. . . . You cannot force authenticity out of someone; that’s a personal choice. To a victim who feels trapped in a circumstance or relationship with someone who withholds, every instance of abuse sends the message, “You don’t deserve to be treated well.” Am I a victim in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughter where she is the abuser? That seems so absurd!! Am I fooling myself thinking that the way she is treating me is subconscious self preservation due to her trauma or is she intentionally treating me this way?
Elsewhere I've read, "withholders deliberately dim your light by starving you of what you need… They feed off your anxiety and pain. It makes them feel powerful. By withholding from you they feel they are keeping more for themselves. More power, more authority, more control. Narcissists in particular are withholders. They deliberately hold back an emotional reaction or connection and get a thrill when they feel you wanting more. The narcissist will make a point of withholding something that they know you really, really want. Whether it’s a compliment, sexual intimacy, an engagement ring, a gift or quality time together, they withhold as a form of control." My ex-husband is this person to the letter, so I am very familiar with the narcissist withholding as power, but again, this leaves me with the same questions, is she an evil narcissist trying to hurt me and control me or is she a hurting child only trying to protect herself and not realizing the pain she is causing? I want to believe that it is just the way she is protecting herself. But how can I help her? When will it stop?
I love her so much and I work so hard at relationship with her. But she hurts me so often that when she is away, it is such a relief.
I don't know what it is going to take for her to want a relationship with me and to be kind to me. And on the other hand, I don't know what it is going to take for me not to hurt so much when she is so dismissive of me. Apathy would be so much easier with her, but apathy is the exact opposite of love and I just love her so much, so I'm stuck in the painful place between hope and reality.
